In the February 2013 issue of Cosmopolitan, there is an article entitled "The Fake Chastity Belt" written by Jessica Knoll. (That's the same writer responsible for the train wreck that was "The Only Kind of Man Worth Marrying" and the slut-shaming extravaganza "Why So Many Men Are Suckers for Skanks" in case you were wondering.)
It's the easiest insurance against having sex with a guy too soon, and it usually works. But when it doesn't, you need a backup plan. This is it.One of these days we should scan the pages of our Cosmos to show the little notes we make in the margins (to prepare for our "Cosmo Quickies" blogs). This one was summed up in three easy letters: WTF.
Recently, Sara Blakley, the inventor of our dear, dear friend Spanx, was named to the Forbes list of billionaires for the first time ever. So many of us rely on the body shapers to contain a muffin top or slim our thighs. But they also have a secondary use; they help keep you from having sex with a guy you like.Yes, the "fake chastity belt" is Spanx. Really. Senior Editor Knoll actually gave this a lot of thought and probably did a little research and then actually wrote this shit down. In fact, we bet she even had a few different drafts of this garbage and this was the final, best version. Think about that for a minute. Really let that sink in. Okay, moving on...
"When I'm into someone, I don't want to ruin things by having sex with him too soon," says Liz (not her real name), 27. "The problem is, I usually want to have sex with him so badly that I don't trust myself not to go too far with him when we are making out." So she squeezes herself into her grossest pair of Spanx. "I have an extra-ugly girdle reserved for really tempting situations."Now there's a lot to address in this "article" (I really don't feel comfortable legitimizing this steaming pile of garbage by calling it an "article"). For starters, why does having sex too soon "ruin things"? Our very first Cosmo-related blog entry on Evil Slutopia, "Cosmo thinks I'm a slut" was written in February 2007. It's almost six years since "relationship expert" Ryan C. Browning told women that they shouldn't have sex too soon... haven't we gotten over that crap yet? Cosmo goes on and on about "fun, fearless women" yet they're still teaching us that we should be afraid of having any fun!
Why can't we just trust ourselves, trust our bodies, our desires... and do what we feel is right? It says it right there in fake-Liz's quote: "I usually want to have sex with him so badly". She wants to have sex with him so badly... so of course, she should fight that feeling and do the opposite of what she wants so badly. And the best way to do that is to wear an ugly girdle...
Other women rely on things like prickly legs, a grown-out bikini line, or even just a good old-fashioned pair of granny panties. No matter your poison, they are all things we like to call fake chastity belts: preventative measures taken to ensure that no matter how tempted you are to have sex, you don't. The problem, as you know, is that they're only sometimes reliable. And the Spanx method might be the least reliable of all, as it ups your desirability and makes you feel sleeker and sexier, thereby weakening your resolve. When a fake chastity belt fails you, it's the ultimate FML moment. Now you're in bed with the guy you really like, and you're hairy, your Spanx is giving you back cleavage, and underneath that mess is underwear you normally reserve for day two of your period.Here's a newsflash Cosmo: Some women don't shave their legs or their bikini line at all and there are still plenty of men out there who have sex with them! And the odds are that a guy's going to be way more concerned about the fact that he's getting your panties off, than worrying what they look like. Prickly legs or granny panties don't actually make you gross and unfuckable, so why does that mean an FML moment (let alone the ultimate FML moment)?
But wait, let me get this straight... we can't trust ourselves to make good decisions. So we have to use some superficial way of uglying ourselves up sexually, in order to force ourselves into making good decisions. But of course, those methods don't actually work, so we will make those bad decisions anyway. So what's the point of this article... is Knoll just basically filling space between ads for makeup and Summer's Eve? (That was a dumb question, that's what Cosmo is!)
So here's what to do, should you ever find yourself in this position: Go to the bathroom. Take off Spanx and/or granny panties. Hopefully, your purse is big enough to cram your undergarments into it. If not, you need to make a note to invest in a bigger purse and, for the present moment, find a hiding place. Underneath the bath mat is a good one, as is stuffed in between a stack of folded towels.What..........? Okay, aside from the fact that Knoll is basically giving us the antidote for the fake chastity belt (therefore making it even less reliable), her advice is ri-fucking-diculous. Hide your underwear under the bath mat? Really, please let us all take a moment to acknowledge the fact that a Cosmo Senior Editor is advising women to HIDE THEIR UNDERWEAR UNDER A MAN'S BATH MAT. Joanna Coles, are you seeing this? This is printed in your magazine! This is your legacy!
Hey, we have some other ideas for what to do with those pesky Spanx. Why don't you flush them down the toilet or shove them in the garbage disposal or feed them to his dog!? Or... here's a crazy fucking thought, just take them off and put them where you put the rest of your clothes. Yeah, that's right, you're about to have sex, so all your clothes are coming off anyway, so just leave your Spanx next to your shoes and purse on the floor by the bed and proceed to deposit the rest of your clothes in that pile as you remove them.
Or you could... um.. I'm sorry, I can't concentrate. I'm still thinking about the fact that Jessica Knoll wants you to HIDE YOUR UNDERWEAR UNDER HIS BATH MAT. I realize now that I wasn't ready to move on from that point, because I am still trying to wrap my head around it. UNDER. THE. BATH. MAT. Under the fucking bath mat!
What happens when he gets up after sex to use the bathroom and finds your underwear under his bath mat? Wouldn't that be an even more ultimate FML moment? Or what if he doesn't have a bath mat (half the guys I've dated, didn't, or if they did it was really a thin towel and not a "mat" and therefore would've been easily spotted - I can't imagine that a big Spanx-sized lump isn't going to be noticeable.) Ugh, and now I'm thinking about what the underneath of a bath mat looks like in the average man's bathroom and I feel queasy thinking about every wearing those Spanx again. Are you supposed to leave them there forever? Or are you supposed to put them back on after the sex, after they have been UNDER THE BATH MAT?
Okay, I think I'm almost over the whole "under the bath mat" thing... so let's also take a moment to laugh at the idea that there would be a a stack of folded towels in your average single man's bathroom. What is this a hotel? At best, they'd be in a linen closet or something, so she's supposed to go all around his house to find a place? Or how crazy is the idea that you should invest in a bigger purse that will fit your Spanx, that you specifically wore so you wouldn't have sex, in order to hide them, so you can have sex? Chase that logic around in a circle for a minute and let me know what... Seriously! She said to hide them UNDER THE BATH MAT!!!!
And if you can't stash the evidence? We turned to Jenn Rogien, costume designer for Girls, for advice. (She's the new fit expert at Aerie, a lingerie line, so she knows her undies.) If you're wearing ratty underwear, the key is to play it off with humor, Rogien says. Also, she points out, "Try to remember that you've been blessed with two very distracting assets. A guy won't notice your full-coverage briefs with the hole in the left cheek when you're working some awesome cleavage.UNDER THE BATH MAT! Oh, sorry. New paragraph... um... yeah, this is really the way to go about it. Either ignore the fact that you're wearing ugly undies (since he's clearly more interested in what's in them) or just acknowledge it and move on ("yeah I'm wearing my ugly underwear, but that's okay, they're ready to come off anyway!") They should've just suggested this in the first place. Or even a more discrete "let's turn the lights down" and then slipping those panties off in the dark could work... but under the bath mat!? I'm never going to get over that.
Unfortunately it's not as easy to distract him from a crazy bush. Regarding this dilemma, I canvassed the other team. The consensus: Acknowledge it. "If I hook up with a girl with a wookie bush, I'm thinking she's out of it and not that sexual of a person," my guy friend Chris says. "It's 2013, and grooming is a thing everyone seems to have accepted that we need to do...guys included."And… fuck you. There’s just so much fucking wrong with this paragraph, that is almost distracts me from the whole bath mat situation for a little while (almost). The terms "crazy bush" and "wookie bush" are offensive enough, but the reasoning just takes the cake -- basically pubic hair is gross according to Cosmo. And fuck this dude Chris... what exactly makes her “guy friend Chris” an authority on... well... anything? Does he have the same level of training as Cosmo’s resident
Of course, Cosmo has always given hypocritical grooming advice, but the idea that everyone, guys included seem to have "accepted" that they need to do some "grooming" is a hard one to swallow. Yes, many many many women - and a lot of men too - do keep things neat and trim down there, but that doesn't mean that everyone does it, that everyone should do it, or that everyone has the same opinion of what it even means. Are women expected to have a full Brazilian at all times, even when they have no intention of letting anyone see it? Why does a little hair make you "out of it" or "not that sexual of a person". Maybe it just means you didn't plan on having sex that day. Apparently guys (or at least her douchey friend Chris) expect you not to have sex on the first date, but to be ready for sex at all times!
And really, how "crazy" can your bush really be after only a few days? I mean, the author said "grown-out bikini line" - what does that mean? So basically a "wookie bush" means just not completely bare? Yeah, fuck you Cosmo.
So there you have it -- the next time a fake chastity belt fails you, laugh, distract, and explain that normally you don't sport enough hair to make a merkin out of it. And don't forget to collect your nude-colored bodysuit from the towel closet before you go.
Don't you mean... from UNDER THE BATH MAT!?!?!??!?!