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June 17, 2012

Meet Mr. Grey?


So by now there probably isn't anyone left who hasn't at least heard of Fifty Shades of Grey


(WARNING: This blog may contain spoilers about the book series.)


We at the Evil Slut Clique have mixed feelings about the Fifty Shades phenomenon. On the one hand, we think it's garbage - it started off as Twilight fan fiction (written by someone who called themselves "Snowqueens Icedragon") and is so poorly written - but on the other hand, we think if there's something that can get middle America talking about sex, then it can't be all bad. Of course, we think there's much better erotica out there, but if this open's the door for some women, then that's a good thing.



Of course, we find it hard to believe that anyone who actually knows anything about BDSM would think too highly of the books. So that's why it was so comical to find a man on an online dating site who referred to himself as "Mr. Grey". I felt compelled to contact him, even if only to find out why the hell he would reference Fifth Shades of Grey in his profile.




I sent him a quick message that asked whether he might be interested in chatting sometime. He answered within 5 seconds. I asked him why he chose to put "Meet Mr. Grey" as his heading and his answer was hilarious.
there is a book called fifty shades of grey

Um, yes, I've heard of it. Is there really anyone on earth left that doesn't know this book exists? Even if you haven't read it or don't know what it's about, you probably at least have heard the name before. I told him that I was aware of the books but that I was curious why he chose it for his profile and asked if he actually reads them.
it's a long story, too much to type here

Okay. It's important enough to put it in your profile - meaning that it contributes to our first impression of you - but not worth actually discussing? So decided to bait him a bit...
Okay, so maybe you'll tell me in person someday. I'm not a fan of the books. If I had to choose my favorite fictional BDSM character named "Grey" it would be James Spader's character in Secretary lol.
That got his attention.
oh so you like fully get the meaning. im a dom i date subs
i put that in my profile to meet women who are into that or curious about that

I made a joke about how I'm "into that" but not strictly, so I would guess that he is more of a dom than I could handle. I also mentioned how I usually don't bring that up until at least a second date.
i dont want to waste weeks on someone who isn't compatible with me. but i guess thats what this site is for, to find out who is not a match. best of luck

I corrected him that I didn't say I waited weeks, but that sometimes when you discuss sex before you even meet a person they get the impression that they should expect sex on the first date or that you're only looking for sex. (Which is fine if you are, but if you're not, it sends a different message.)
im unconventional

Doesn't sound that unconventional to me. Not sure why you're so quick to write someone off as "not a match" without actually finding out. I said "I would guess" but we have no idea what's really too much/not enough based on just that. But that's cool I guess. Goodnight.
Then he asked me to text him tomorrow and gave me his phone number.
I'm getting the impression I shouldn't bother.

ok your loss
My loss? You told me I wasn't a match and wished me good luck. Point taken, no hard feelings. Why would I text you?

You seemed kind of aggressive. Are you a sub or not?
WTF?
Aggressive? I guess that's the lack of tone of voice. I'm a sub in bed, not in life. You're right, this isn't a match.

Conclusion: He's a dick.

But there's something about the whole situation that just really struck me as really... wrong.

I haven't read the entire Fifty Shades trilogy, so I'm not exactly sure how the author portrays the BDSM relationship between Edward Cullen Christian Grey and Bella Swan Anastasia Steele. I've heard mixed reviews: some claim that it's a great relationship and others have complained that it gives a false impression of BDSM.

One thing I know, is that most people in the BDSM community wouldn't necessary consider it to be a how-to guide. There are dangers involved, so communication and negotiation are so important. As is trust. I've gotten the impression that the book glosses over some of that and turns it into a fairytale love story. So I find it hard to believe that someone who is looking for a BDSM relationship would use that as a reference.

Instead, I think this guy is looking for naive, inexperienced girls who want to be Anastasia Steele and have some guy order them around. I get the impression that he's specifically looking for girls who aren't familiar with BDSM (but rather are just intrigued by the idea after having read the books) so that he can "teach" them what BDSM is "all about". And that just seems kind of shady.

Now, there's nothing wrong with an experienced dom "showing the ropes" (pun intended) to a novice sub but there's just something so manipulative about the way this guy is trying to lure in naive women with his "Mr. Grey" reference. BDSM has gotten a lot of criticism - some say it's "negative", some say that it's anti-feminist, some have even likened it to an abusive relationship. I have to disagree, but based on what I know in the books, I can understand why some might get that impression. And I have trouble understanding why women are so intrigued by Christian Grey.


Much like Edward in Twilight, Christian starts off as a stalker. He is possibly a sex-addict and definitely a control freak. He is emotionally troubled and practically abusive to Anastasia, hiding it under the guise of "domination". He's so overly protective of her that he has someone follow her around at all times. I'm told that the way BDSM is portrayed in the book is inaccurate and inconsistent and that some of the sex scenes border on rape (and not in a consensual rape fantasy type of way). Apparently Christian became interested in BDSM as a result of some childhood trauma and some psychological problems. Many from the BDSM community who have read the books say that as a dom, he's... pretty fucked up. But Christian is good looking and rich and Anastasia is an inexperienced virgin, so somehow this is a romantic love story?

It seems too much like Beauty and the Beast, where an abusive assholes turns into a charming prince because of love. Yeah, no. Anyone who isn't familiar with BDSM and decides to give it a try based on these books is potentially setting themselves up for a really bad situation, especially if they end up with a dick like the aforementioned "Mr. Grey" who wants to take advantage of their naivety.

Disclaimer: We admit that we haven't fully read the books, so we can't say for sure how bad the portrayal of BDSM really is. But we've read enough criticism to at least be wary of the message the books send and those men who try to use the books' popularity to take advantage of inexperienced women. We do intend to read the books (painfully), so we can give a more thorough critique and so we can truly see just how ridiculous and poorly written they really are. Wish us luck!

Update: We started reading the book and will be offering chapter-by-chapter critiques: The ESC Reads Fifty Shades of Grey... so you don't have to

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3 comments:

Epiphoar said...

I can't decide which scenario is worse: him dabbling in being a dom and using a dating site to do it, or him being a dom to begin with and using "Mr. Grey" to lure people in. Ugh. CREEPTASTIC.

scott meek said...

As I said in the comment on chapter one, I've heard nothing about this book that tells me their relationship, with or without the kink, is a healthy, positive one. You make all the right points about the red flags, and I think it's important for the women who read this to understand that "safe, sane and consensual" does not mean emotionally-handicapped, power junkie who gets his kicks pushing around naive girls. Reminds me too much of 'Pretty Woman' when I'd really rather be reminded of 'Exit to Eden'.

Vanilla Rose said...

I have read all "50 Shades" book and agree.

Although there are some problematic areas with "Secretary", I'd feel a lot safer around E Edward Grey than Christian Grey. Never mind the money, I'm with the guy who releases the mouse all the way.