Here's our shopping list, along with some of our favorite tips from the article. But first, I have to give a shoutout to my mom - this article is from the May issue and we were getting ready to move on to June, but she was flipping through my copy and came across this article, and she insisted that we showcase the stupidity before starting on the new issue. What's better than making fun of Cosmo? Making fun of Cosmo with your mom.
So, according to Cosmo, here's what you need to have a great day with your breasts...
Petroleum Jelly, Self-Tanner
#4 - Score a perfect sunless boob tan: Shower and exfoliate, then put a dab of petroleum jelly on your nipples to make sure they keep their natural color. Evenly apply the self-tanning lotion or spray to your tatas, and lean forward for a few minutes to help them dry blotch-free.
We're wondering if we should put the tanner on the rest of our bodies too, or if this is a vajazzling/bikini line stencils sort of thing where we're making our boobs darker on purpose to draw more attention to them in a fun and fearless sort of way. With Cosmo you can never really be sure.
#5 - Master the art of using double-sided tape. The secret: Stick one-inch strips of tape a quarter inch away from the edge of your clothes. It keeps everything in place but still looks natural.
Yes, because if anything out there in this world is an "art" worth "mastering", it's definitely this. I can just picture the Cosmo editors going through roll after roll of double-sided tape to determine the correct positioning down to the quarter of an inch. They're artists!
And when you're hooking up with your guy later, he'll really enjoy the unexpected fun of getting those little fuzzy pieces of tape stuck to random places on his body.
#11 - Strategically place rose petals over your bare nipples just before he comes to bed.
Okay, sure, sounds like fun...and then what? Maybe I'm just not romantic enough to grasp this, but what exactly is he supposed to do when he sees you? "Oh hey, nice flower petals, honey." Also, I imagine that you'd probably have to lay pretty still to keep the "strategically placed" petals in place, and considering how oblivious some guys can be, you might be stuck in that position for quite awhile before he realizes that you're trying to be a sex goddess or whatever.
#13 - Want to go braless to a party or bar? You can avoid the smuggling raisins effect by sticking on nipple concealers (try Low Beams, look for them on herlook.com).
I'll be honest, I mostly just included this one because I couldn't get over the fact that they really used the phrase "the smuggling raisins effect". Classy and mature as always, Cosmo.
#15 - Score a sexy, rosy glow by dotting on a pinkish-red stain, like Benefit's BeneTint. Dab a small amount around your areolae and nipples, and blend well.
Again, I have to ask...why am I doing this? Are guys attracted to unnaturally pink nipples? This also seems like one of those tips that shows Cosmo's confusion about the fact that there's a wide variety of different skin tones out there. On some women this would probably be unnoticeable, and on others it would look really ridiculous. To me this just seems like a waste of expensive makeup.
Later on in the list there's another tip about giving your boobs a "glow", this time by "sprinkling a shimmer powder" over them. Maybe if you combine these two tips you can pull off a sexy clown/rejected Cirque du Soleil performer sort of thing.
#17 - Cook dinner topless, apply a little tomato sauce to your nipple (make sure it's not too hot), and ask your man if it's spicy enough.
I guess we have to give Cosmo some credit for thinking outside the box on this one - I'm pretty sure I've never seen tomato sauce on a list of foods that would be good for sex play before. Whipped cream is so six issues ago.
But if I were going to cook dinner topless, I probably would pick something with less of a tendency to splatter, because there are no tips anywhere in the article for how to deal with boiling hot sauce-induced boob burns. Along those same lines, I do kinda love that they specify in the tip that you should make sure that the sauce isn't too hot before applying it to your nipple. Were they afraid that some of the Cosmo girls out there might get confused and dip their boobs directly into the pot of sauce?
"Miraculous" Push-Up Bra
#21 - When you want to go purse-free, stick your ID and credit card in your cleavage. Try Victoria's Secret Miraculous Push-Up - it adds up to two full cup sizes.
Where should I put my phone, keys, and lipstick, in my panties?
Okay, yeah, this tip isn't really that bad. I'm sure most of us have done something like this at one time or another. (Although the success rate does sometimes depend on how much cleavage you're working with.) But it also barely qualifies as a tip for the same reason - it's not like this is a brilliant new idea that Cosmo just came up with. Seems more like this one was included to a) fill out the list (gotta get to a nice round number!) and b) name-drop this specific bra.
#24 - When you're feeling sore around your period, wrap a refrigerated raw lettuce leaf around each breast and hold it there until it wilts.
This is one of my favorite things that I've ever read in Cosmo. Every time I reread it I'm delighted all over again. It just really captures the essence of the absurd streak that runs through this magazine so perfectly. Wrap a refrigerated raw lettuce leaf around each breast. There are so many questions. Who came up with this tip, and were they really proud of themselves for their creativity? Can you imagine if someone walked in on you trying this? Does it work better if the lettuce is organic? And why lettuce anyway? I guess while we're wasting expensive makeup we might as well waste some food too, but what exactly is it about lettuce that makes it uniquely qualified to relieve breast soreness? My guess is that you'll be laughing so much over the fact that you're actually holding cold lettuce on your boobs that you'll be temporarily distracted from the pain.
Rhinestones, Body Glue
#32 - Draw an attention-grabbing circle around your nipples using rhinestones and body glue for a special night in.
What if he swallows one? I guess technically that would qualify as "attention-grabbing".
...okay, so after a few minutes of Cosmo-inspired research, I now know that there is a website called YourNippleCovers.com which sells nothing but
#40 - Put temporary tattoos of his name around your nipples, and give him a peek when you bend forward in an undone button-up.
Temporary tattoos...of his name? Where exactly am I supposed to find those, Cosmo tip writers? Also, you know, silly me, but here I thought that straight guys were excited enough about just getting to see and touch naked breasts on a regular basis. Now I know that it's just amateur hour unless rose petals, rhinestones, marinara sauce, and tattoos are involved.
...okay, so after a few minutes of Cosmo-inspired research, I now know that there is a website called TemporaryNameTattoo.com that sells nothing but
#42 - Stick on nipple tassels, and practice swinging them (hint: It's all in the knees). Use your newfound talent to put on a sexy show for your man.
Nipple tassels...it's all in the knees. What other magazine can you turn to when you need important tips like this? And apparently they're right about the knee thing, so if tassel-twirling is a skill that you want to acquire (it sometimes involves mastering the art of double-sided tape, so we've practically come full circle), this video from Polestars is a good place to start.
Inset Box: Try This! For touchable tatas, use this DIY mask: Mix two egg yolks (a natural skin softener) with one cup of beer. Dab the mix on your breasts, and rinse after 20 minutes.
And you thought the lettuce tip was something special, right? You didn't know there was a homemade boob mask coming. I've had a lot of eggs and a lot of beer in my life, but not usually at the the same time, and I'm pretty sure I've never thought about combining them into a homemade beauty product.
It's not like I'm against the "DIY mask" idea in theory, and I guess
I also like the way that they specify that you're using egg yolks because they're "a natural skin softener", but offer no explanation for including the beer, as if it's a well known fact that beer is great for your breasts.
Okay, we've changed our minds. This is way too much work. We're just going to make pasta with the tomato sauce, drink the beer, and spend the day making fun of more Cosmo articles instead. I think our boobs will thank us.