If you're lucky enough to be unfamiliar with Mr. Beck, let us give you a quick rundown of some of the reasons why he can definitely suck it. (Okay, it's not really quick. There's no way to make it quick. He's completely mental. We're sorry. And working on this has also made us mental, so if you feel like you're losing your grip on reality at any time while reading this, just email us and we'll let you into our therapy group.) Here goes nothing.
~"...this is horrible to say, and I wonder if I'm alone in this -- you know it took me about a year to start hating the 9-11 victims' families? Took me about a year. And I had such compassion for them, and I really wanted to help them, and I was behind, you know, "Let's give them money, let's get this started." All of this stuff. And I really didn't -- of the 3,000 victims' families, I don't hate all of them. Probably about 10 of them. And when I see a 9-11 victim family on television, or whatever, I'm just like, "Oh shut up!" I'm so sick of them because they're always complaining. And we did our best for them. And, again, it's only about 10." (His point was that he started to hate some of the victims of Hurricane Katrina faster than he started to hate the families of 9/11 victims.)
~Here's a fresh example: Yesterday afternoon on his radio show, Beck took a call from Tim the forest manager, who was "cutting down trees in celebration of Earth Day" according to Glenn. Tim explained that they were clearing out trees to create spaces where it would be easier for his "landowner" to hunt for deer. Here's Glenn's reaction: "This is like Nirvana here. This is not only going to hack off all the environmentalists, but all the PETA people too." Then he gets all excited and has to go to a commercial break when Tim offers to start up his chainsaw for Glenn to hear, saying that he wants to "savor the moment". He then tells his producer, "I need Barry White music. This is almost full-fledged, light some candles, this is eroticism." (We won't speculate on what went on during the break. Also, I only transcribed half of the clip and I feel like I need counseling.)
~Here are a couple of Beck's comments about Cindy Sheehan:
"Cindy Sheehan is a tragedy slut." [The Glenn Beck Program, August 15, 2005]
BECK: Honestly, who's a bigger prostitute? Heidi Fleiss or Terrell Owens? Who's the person out there -- who's the bigger prostitute: Heidi Fleiss or Howard Dean? No, not even Howard Dean. John Kerry. Who's the bigger prostitute? Who'll do anything for power or money? I mean, at least Heidi Fleiss -- this is saying something -- at least Heidi Fleiss will admit to being a prostitute. You know what I mean? At least she'll say, "Hey, I'm doing it for cash."
BECK: Cindy Sheehan. That's a pretty big prostitute there, you know what I mean? I mean, more of a -- Stu, what did we call her when she was in the news? Not a prostitute.
STU: Yeah, we eventually got to "tragedy pimp." Because we believe she's actually pimping the prostitute out.
STU: Which I think is actually the most accurate description.
BECK: Pretty hard to beat prostituting your son's death. Don't you think?
~On the question of what people would do for $50 million: "Would you kill someone for that?...I'm thinking about killing Michael Moore...I could kill him myself, or if I would need to hire somebody to do it,...No, I think I could. I think he could be looking me in the eye, you know, and I could just be choking the life out. Is this wrong? I stopped wearing my What Would Jesus -- band -- Do, and I've lost all sense of right and wrong now. I used to be able to say, 'Yeah, I'd kill Michael Moore,' and then I'd see the little band: What Would Jesus Do? And then I'd realize, 'Oh, you wouldn't kill Michael Moore. Or at least you wouldn't choke him to death.' And you know, well, I'm not sure." [The Glenn Beck Program, May 17, 2005]
~During his February 8, 2006 show, Beck repeatedly referred to former U.S. President Jimmy Carter as "a waste of skin", adding that North Korean leader Kim Jong Il was not a bigger waste of skin because "[a]t least evil is using that skin."
~In an interview with Rep. Keith Ellison, who had just been elected as the first Muslim in the U.S. Congress: "With that being said, you are a Democrat. You are saying, "Let`s cut and run." And I have to tell you, I have been nervous about this interview with you, because what I feel like saying is, "Sir, prove to me that you are not working with our enemies. And I know you’re not. I’m not accusing you of being an enemy, but that’s the way I feel, and I think a lot of Americans will feel that way." [The Glenn Beck Show, November 14, 2006]
~On Al Gore's film An Inconvenient Truth:
"Al Gore's not going to be rounding up Jews and exterminating them. It is the same tactic, however. The goal is different. The goal is globalization. The goal is global carbon tax.…You need to have fear. You needed to have the fear of starvation. You needed to have the fear of the whole place going to hell in a handbasket. Which--do we have that fear now with global warming?…Then you have to discredit the scientists that say 'That's not right.' And you must silence all dissenting voices. That's what Hitler did. That's what Al Gore, the U.N., and everybody on the global warming bandwagon [are doing]." [The Glenn Beck Program, April 30, 2007]
~Another on Al Gore and the environment:
GORE [audio clip]: The Arctic is experiencing faster melting. If this were to go, the sea level worldwide would go up 20 feet. This is what would happen in Florida. Around Shanghai, home to 40 million people. The area around Calcutta [India], 60 million.
BECK: Stop. Just a second, stop. This is what would happen to Shanghai. Does anybody really care? I mean, come on. Shanghai is under water. Oh, no! Who's gonna make those little umbrellas for those tropical drinks?
~On Gloria Steinem's comment about how John McCain's story might have played out differently if her were a woman:
"Are you kidding me? If they would have shot down a female prisoner, do I need to remind you about the girl from West Virginia that the whole country stopped so we could go and save? Do you think it would be less? Do you think we would actually be sitting here? You pinhead. Do you think we would actually be sitting here going, "Well, look at the way she was dressed." If she were Joan McCain... stop it. You self-centered, self-righteous socialist, out-of-control, dangerous, man-hating bitch. Shut your mouth. We might have bought into this crap in the 1960s because too many people were doing LSD. We're not on LSD anymore. You need to start making sense." [The Glenn Beck Program, March 3, 2008]
~"Hey, does anybody notice this crazy thing that we’re on the road to socialism? I’m just saying. Wow. We got — we got the SCHIPs thing going for us. That’s great. There is the change that we were all hoping for, really, seriously. Hey, I got an idea. If we’re going down the road to socialism, I mean, why not really go for it, huh? Comrades, good news from the western front, our glorious revolution is starting to take hold. Oh, the revolution of change. Our fearless leader has just signed in SCHIPs, and earlier today, he spoke out against capitalism. Listen up." [The Glenn Beck Show, February 4, 2009. If you're not familiar with S-CHIP, it's the State Children's Health Insurance Program, because clearly there's nothing more evil than providing health care to children in need.]
~On President Obama overturning the ban on federally funded embryonic stem cell research:
~On Cecilia Fire Thunder, president of the Oglala Sioux Tribe and opponent of the proposed South Dakota abortion ban, who expressed interest in opening an abortion clinic on the state's Pine Ridge Indian Reservation if the law were to go into effect.
BECK: So here you have Barack Obama going in and spending the money on embryonic stem cell research, and then some, fundamentally changing -- remember, those great progressive doctors are the ones who brought us Eugenics. It was the progressive movement and it science. Let's put science truly in her place. If evolution is right, why don't we just help out evolution? That was the idea. And sane people agreed with it!
And it was from America. Progressive movement in America. Eugenics. In case you don't know what Eugenics led us to: the Final Solution. A master race! A perfect person. .... The stuff that we are facing is absolutely frightening. So I guess I have to put my name on yes, I hope Barack Obama fails. But I just want his policies to fail; I want America to wake up.
"What happened to the proud Indian?" Wow, that's a great question, Glenn. You know, in a totally fucked up, incredibly ignorant, so-offensive-and-stupid-I-need-to-go-to-my-happy-place-to-forget-you-ever-said-it sort of a way.
BECK: Whatever happened to the Indians? You know, they were celebrating Mother Earth and Father Sky or whatever it is, and that was beautiful and special. Now, it's about gaming, alcohol, fireworks, and abortions. I mean, what happened to the proud Indian?...
...What fork in the road did Native Americans take? When did they decide, "Ah, crap, it's just not worth it any more. Why don't we turn our precious land into a place where we can build some slot machines?"
I mean, you know, I'm bringing this up not because I have, you know, huge opposition to keno -- casinos and Indian trinket shops; don't get me wrong here. I bring it up because, you know, the Indians are using the whole "You took our land [sobbing]." I think they're taking that a little too far, don't you? I mean, South Dakota about to pass the no-abortion thing, so the women in the tribe -- in fact, let me get this straight, the -- it's Fire Thunder, that's her -- I don't know whether that's her last name or her middle and last name. It's Cecilia Fire Thunder. So -- anyway, she says she wants to open up the abortion clinics on the Indians' land, and I mean -- how good do you feel about giving away the sovereignty now? I mean, when I say we gave them sovereignty, I mean it's, you know, more in a way like, you know, we took their sovereignty and then loaned them a little bit of it back, but you know what I mean. I hope that contract isn't iron-clad -- when are we gonna get out of that contract with the Indians?
But I mean, can you really set up anything you want now on these reservations? South Dakota really -- they have their hands tied, you know? Otherwise, the Indians will have found something that can be more profitable than casinos, and that's abortion clinics. And then, look out, man -- exploiting everything illegal for profit. That's what -- I mean, is that what the Indians have turned into?
~Discussing news that Zacarias Moussaoui requested a withdrawal of his guilty plea following his life sentence in connection with the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, Beck responded:
BECK: Um, no, Zac, no, sorry to say you're spending the rest of your life in super-max [the maximum-security federal prison in Florence, Colorado, where Moussaoui will likely be sent]. You don't get to make, you know, sweet tender love to those 72 heavenly virgins. In fact, I'm going to go a step further. When you're involved in the deaths of 3,000 innocent people, you get this -- yeah, a three-way with Bea Arthur and Helen Thomas while David Hasselhoff sings. Oh, it's great. Didn't teach you that at terrorist school? Oh, that's too bad, what a shame.
As Beck spoke, on-screen graphic featured a photo montage of Thomas, Arthur, and Hasselhoff.
~BECK: All right, stop the music. I've got to talk. Stu, give me a topic, some butch topic I can talk about for a second, will you?
BURGUIERE: Blowing up Iran.BECK: Blowing up Iran. I say we nuke the bastards. In fact, it doesn't have to be Iran, it can be everywhere, anyplace that disagrees with me.
~On the issue of a timetable for withdrawing troops from Iraq:
Here's how I got there. The Democratic Party leaders are proposing a new bill, which calls for bringing the troops home from Iraq by early next year, then removing whatever troops remain by October 2008.
BECK: Here's what I don't know. How do these people in Congress, Democrats and Republicans, who want to have it both ways, how do you sleep at night? How do you do it?
If your bill goes through, I hope you can't go to bed any single night without the images of body bags of our American soldiers coming off those planes. I hope they dance in your head every single night, because you will be just as responsible for their deaths as anyone who has ever strapped a bomb to their chest and screamed, "Allah Akbar."
~On Hillary Clinton being too nagging and bitchy to become president:
BECK: I don't want to sound like the old ball-and-chain guy, but Hillary Clinton cannot be elected president because -- am I wrong in feeling, am I the only one in America that feels this way? -- that there's something about her vocal range. There's something about her voice that just drives me -- it's not what she says, it's how she says it. She is like the stereotypical -- excuse the expression, but this is the way to -- she's the stereotypical bitch, you know what I mean? She's that stereotypical, nagging, [unintelligible], you know what I mean? And she doesn't have to be saying -- she could be saying happy things, but after four years, don't you think every man in America will go insane? Is it just me? I mean, I know this is horrible to say, but I mean it not -- I would say this if she were Condi Rice and she sounded like that. Condi Rice doesn't have that grate to her voice. You know what I need to do? I need to talk to a vocal expert, because there is a range in women's voices that experts say is just the chalk, I mean, the fingernails on the blackboard. And I don't know if she's using that range or what it is, but I've heard her in speeches where I can't take it.
BECK: Am I alone? Dan [Andros, producer]? Have you noticed that about her?
ANDROS: Oh my gosh, she could be talking about how she's giving every American a million dollars, and I'm hearing, "Could you take out the garbage now, please?"
BECK: That really is what it is. I just, I don't -- I thought it was just me. And maybe it is.
BECK: I'm sorry for being such a pig. But please, America. Please. I don't think I could do it for four years. I mean, sure the country is going to go to hell in a handbasket, but could we make this about me for a second? I just don't think I could take it from her.
BECK: OK, so I guess we did, you know, make that -- [unintelligible] sees the tongue ring. You see the tongue ring and, and then you're starting to think of things with Dennis, and I don't want to go there.[...]
STU: She is very tall compared to Dennis.
BECK: No, Dan just said in my, in my ear, isn't she about eight feet tall? No, she's not about eight feet tall. He's two feet tall. He's Gollum. You take his shirt off and put him in a loincloth, and he's Gollum.
STU: She's probably only like three-foot-nine. But next to him, you know.[...]
BECK: How did that happen?
STU: It might be part of the reason she looks good, too, because she's standing next to him.
BECK: You think it's dope?
STU: Do I think? I don't know. I don't understand the question.
BECK: I'm wondering if it's some sort of, some sort of, you know. What's that date rape drug? What is -- what's the one? What's --
BECK: Yeah, but it's not powerful enough to actually knock you out, but it's powerful enough to, like, make you think that you're not standing next to Dennis Kucinich and making out with him.
STU: I, maybe it's some other form of that.
BECK: What would be the -- what would be the drug that would be just powerful enough to not -- to make you not really realize that you're making out with Dennis Kucinich?
STU: That's called alcohol.
BECK: I was thinking cyanide. That would be the only thing that would really dull the senses enough. Even then, your dead body would be like, "Dennis Kucinich has his tongue in my mouth." I -- maybe it's just me.
STU: I'm sure they have a lovely relationship.
~On people losing their homes in the 2007 California wildfires:
"I think there is a handful of people who hate America. Unfortunately for them, a lot of them are losing their homes in a forest fire today.
There are a few people that hate America. But I don't think the Democrats are those. I think there are those posing as Democrats that are like that. But you don't come into the center. You have to stand up for what you believe in."
~On John Edwards:
BECK: All right. Peter. John Edwards, I listened to him last night give a speech, and, I mean, why not just start wearing the Soviet star on your head and the Workers World Party? Good Lord in heaven. Was it a mistake for him to go after her for crying and then also to join this great Soviet state?
~On progressive women being ugly, and some stuff that I could have edited but didn't because it reveals some of Beck's inner crazy:
BECK: BECK: Now, here's a story I found: "Surprising reasons you're not having sex." Here's the first one. Your bed isn't sexy anymore. We hear it over and over again the bed should be used for sex and sleep only. So why do we insist on bringing in third parties, laptops, PDAs, Law & Order, et cetera, et cetera. You know what, my doctor has actually told me that, under doctors' orders, nothing else in bed. He said just sleep. And I went, just sleep? And my wife said, "You heard him; just sleep." "Your meds are stealing away your sex drive." Whoa. Surprised by that one. Reason number 3 you're not having sex anymore. Your crazy, busy life.
BECK: I mean, here are some other reasons. "You're ugly." Hello! I'm not a sex expert but I'm -- you know, I'm thinking, you know, you're ugly and, you know, that's a tough one to overcome especially if you're a woman. If you're a guy, that's not hard to overcome. I'm sorry. That's just the way the world is. Have you -- how many ugly guys have hot wives? Take me, for example. I don't know why she married -- I think it was low self-esteem. I do. No, really I think it was low self-esteem. I got in -- you know, you buy when the market is low. You know what I mean? While everybody else is selling, you buy. And I think I got in there right at the right time. Low self-esteem, low, wait a minute, could go a little lower, she might come down to my price. Hang on, OK, sold! Now her self-esteem is going up. And if my income wasn't going up, she would have ditched me long ago. She would have gone, "Wait a minute, I think I was depressed when I married you." I'm just -- look. I'm not Tania, but I am a thinker. I'm on to you, Tania!
OK, so anyway, I was talking about ugly people. Ugly people, if you're a guy, you can get past it. I don't think you can as an ugly woman. I don't -- no, I don't. If you're an ugly woman, I apologize. Oh, you've got a double cross, because if you're an ugly woman, you're probably a progressive as well. Oh, jeez. I'm sorry. Today's just not your day. But you know what? If you believed in God, you'd know that there's going to be another chance for you. You don't have to be ugly in heaven. You're going to be your perfect self, and there will be another perfect somebody waiting for you on the other side. Until that time --
~Regarding the stimulus package: "It is the nanny state...it's slavery. It is slavery."
~In response to a guest from San Francisco who mentions his church: "First of all, I'm trying to get my arms around this - there's a church in San Francisco? ...who would have seen that coming?"
~Beck had Bill O'Reilly on his show and asked him a 'viewer question' about who was the "biggest pinhead" ever in world history. O'Reilly's answer is Hitler, to which Beck replies "over Jimmy Carter?" and everyone in the studio has a good laugh. Oh, Fox News.
~Enjoy Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck joking about Beck going to Steven Colbert's house to murder him.
~Regarding calls for him to run for political office: "Oh no, we'd run out of missiles. That would be the most overused phrase in my administration, 'What do you mean we're out of missiles?'"
~Explaining why he has all of the lights in his studio turned way up: "I am so tired, because it was Earth Hour over the weekend, and I spent so much time turning on all my - I mean off all of my lights...Just to show that I'm such a supporter of Earth Hour, and that I don't think that it's ridiculous, that I so believe in that whole global warming thing, I decided to put...hang on, I'm being told that the idea is to use less energy? Oh. Oh well, we're going to roll with this."
~"The government is a heroin pusher using smiley-faced facism to grow the nanny state."
~On the recent shooting in Pittsburgh and accusations that right-wing rhetoric about Obama taking away gun rights may have played a role in this or other recent shootings:
"Well, OK, look, if the president wanted to calm people down, but there's no reason to in the first place because what we're talking about is a crazy man on Saturday. But if he wanted to calm anybody who had any fears he would have said, 'This is such a tragedy and let me reassure, the 2nd Amendment is the 2nd Amendment, and I will not infringe on those rights in any way, shape, or form.' But he won't say that because he can't say that. Because he will slowly but surely take away your gun or take away your ability to shoot a gun, carry a gun. He will make them more expensive; he'll tax them out of existence. He will because he has said he would. He will tax you gun or take your gun away one way or another."
~Earlier this month, Beck did a demonstration where he poured fake gasoline (at least he claimed it was fake, who knows with him) all over some unfortunate guest to somehow represent the Obama administration, or something (again, there's no way to just feature the really crazy part here and edit the rest, because it's all the really crazy part):
From The April 9 edition of Fox News' Glenn Beck:
BECK: And President Obama apparently feels like, boy, I'm pretty much done, not a lot more to do, you know? We got all those things done. You know what? Why don't I work on immigration reform? Later this year, he hopes to create a path for the estimated 12 million illegal aliens here in America to become legal. But yet, we haven't fixed the border and shut the water off. What a sweet, sensitive guy he really is.
Here is the one thing I think the media is missing. I don't know about you, but when I saw that story last night, I did this -- you got to be kidding me! I mean, let me -- let me just ask you a question. Maybe I'm alone, but I think it would be just faster if they just shot me in the head. You know what I mean? How much more can -- how much more can he disenfranchise all of us?
We have Bill Schulz here. He's from Red Eye. And I'm just going to demonstrate at least how I feel, all right? I feel -- when I read this story last night -- I don't know about you. Let's say Bill is the average American here and I'm President Obama. This is the way I feel. I feel like President Obama is just saying, you know what, I've got the $3.5 trillion budget that we're doing. You know, is it cold? Yes.
You know -- where the only fat they cut out is national defense. We have growing Social Security. We have Medicare, Medicaid obligations, right? Let me get some over here. And that puts us on the hook now for about $53 trillion.
Now, the worst is that we are buried under $1.25 quadrillion dollars in debt. Overseas -- Obama is apologizing to the Frenchy French for our arrogance. You know, he's bowing to the Saudi Arabian king. I don't know if you saw that one, OK?
Oh, I almost forgot. He's also closing Gitmo and letting the terrorists onto the streets.
And on the island of Cuba, the Congressional Black Caucus met with Fidel Castro to try to fix the U.S.-Cuban relations -- something that would give their tourism industry a billion dollar boost. It's no wonder that Illinois Democrat Bobby Rush said -- the meeting, he said, quote, "It was almost like listening to an old friend." They gazed into each other's eyes. It's been fantastic. By the way, under Castro, 93 percent of Cuban labor force works for the state. Sound familiar? Average worker -- making a whopping $9 a month there in Cuba. He's fantastic. We should buddy with him. What would it be like to work for $9 a month? Oh, we may all find out soon.
And also, according to the U.N., seven abortions for every 10 babies born in Cuba. Sure, sounds like a vacation in Disneyland to me.
But now, last night, I get there and I see, I get on the website, and I see that Obama wants to legalize the illegal aliens, you know, when unemployment is 8.5 percent and underemployment rate is 15.6 percent. You know, you're having a hard time finding a job, you know, without having to be forced -- do you have any matches -- forced to complete, you know, compete with a whole new crop of workers.
So what does Obama do, he says, boy, I'm not -- I'm just out of stuff to do. What else could I possibly do to the American people? President Obama, why don't you just set us on fire? For the love of Pete, what are you doing? Do you not hear -- do you not hear the cries of people who are saying stop? We would like some sanity in our country for a second!
We didn't vote to lose the republic. We didn't vote for any of this stuff. We voted for change. You know what that change was? The change we wanted was an end to the games! We wanted the games to be ended.
We want people to say what they mean and mean what they say. We want people just to be honest. We want the parties to actually stand for something. We want the spending that is out of control -- you're building bridges that lead to nowhere. You're spending money that leads only to slavery! We just want some common sense. That's all we want.
We can disagree with each other on policies, but Good Lord Almighty, man, please. Some of us don't agree with all of the policies. We'd like to have a country left in the end of four years. No need to set us on fire.
SCHULZ: I thought I was here to talk about Sex in the City.
BECK: By the way, I just want -- I just want to show you, kids, water, not gasoline. I was -- I was actually told by our legal department, "Glenn, you can't just do that, you've got to" -- I said, yeah, this is why our country is so screwed up if I got to actually say, that wasn't really gasoline, kids. Don't do that at home, that would be really, really bad. But since we're here -- you know, I'm a fan of 24, I think I've seen that scene on 24. If we're going to do 24" we might as well go all the way. Here, watch this.
BECK [video clip]: Hi. I'm Glenn Beck. And on today's show, we talked a lot about setting people on fire, but the real heat that we have to be worried about is global warming. Global warming is the reason it snowed yesterday in New York City, and it won't stop until all of that warming buries us under 3 million feet of ice. To get involved in your community, in the fight against global warming, get into your private jet and fly around the world and give some slide shows. Thank you -- from all of us on The Glenn Beck Program.
BECK: Am I the only one that -- those darn things make me crazy?
~I refuse to transcribe this bizarre segment where Beck claims that his "great-great-grandfather" was Thomas Paine and then has an actor pretending to...you know what, just watch it.
~Regarding the Iowa Supreme Court decision on same-sex marriage: "I believe this case is actually about going into churches, and going in and attacking churches, and saying 'you can't teach anything else'. When you say 'marriage', civil unions is different, when you say marriage must be defined as this, then you also have to go into the schools. This has already happened. (The most shocking thing about this to me is that Glenn Beck actually supports civil unions.)
~"You can't convince me that the Founding Fathers wouldn't allow you to secede. The Constitution is not a suicide pact...People have a right to not commit economic suicide."
~"Why is the government and the teacher's union working together to wreck our children's education?"
~On the bank bailout situation: "Not comparing these people to the people in Germany, but this is exactly what happened to the lead-up with Hitler".
~Please enjoy Glenn freaking the fuck out about Earth Day and light bulbs and stuff:
~On how torture isn't really torture: "Whether or not you're morally in favor of waterboarding or not, it is a far cry from torture."
Really, this video from Media Matters sums it all up by diagnosing Glenn Beck with Obama Derangement Syndrome:
So yeah, what we're trying to say is, he can suck it. A lot.