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February 20, 2009

It's Official: PepsiCo is Going Down

If you've been reading the blog you know that we are all into the stupid protests lately. Personally, I've been really enjoying the "hunger strike" style protests, which generally involve some conservative group with a name like the American Family Pro-Life Morality Action League announcing that we should all stop eating Tostitos forever because their parent company treats their gay employees like actual human beings or something equally ridiculous.

One of their latest targets is PepsiCo, because it seems that Pepsi loves the gays and of course that cannot stand unchallenged. The American Family Association was up in arms about it awhile ago, and you'll all be happy to know that they have not forgotten. In fact, they've apparently been quite busy making it all official and stuff. They've got the official website (www.boycottpepsico.com), and of course front and center is the Boycott PepsiCo pledge for all of us to sign. They're claiming to have 136,844 signatures so far, and I'm going to go ahead and call bullshit on that right now, because we all know that at least 75,000 of those are people like us just fucking around and signing the thing as Trig Palin or Elisabeth Hasselbeck or Ronald McDonald or whatever.

There's also a link on the site to the full list of PepsiCo products to include in the boycott. The list itself isn't on the main page of the site, which I think was a smart choice. If it was, I'd bet that about 80% of the right wingers who visited the site would end up thinking "wait a minute, I have to stop drinking Pepsi and I also have to give up Mountain Dew, Sierra Mist, Mug Root Beer and Cream Soda, Lay's and Ruffles chips, all varieties of Doritos, Tostitos, Cheetos, and Fritos, Funyuns, Cracker Jack, Baken-ets Fried Pork Skins (whatever the hell those are), Gatorade, Tropicana Juices, Quaker Oatmeal and granola bars, Cap'n Crunch and Life cereals, Aunt Jemima syrup, and Rice-a-Roni? You know, maybe homosexuality isn't that bad..."

There was a video on the main page of the site of some horrible gay Pepsi commercial that the AFA was offended by, but it was embedded from YouTube so when you click on it now all you get is "This video is no longer available due to a copyright claim by PepsiCo, Inc.", which I found hilarious. So all that's left now is the description of the horribly scandalous material in question:
In Canada, a "bisexual" man came out of the closet on a commercial and declared his love for Pepsi and Diet Pepsi. In a more recent spot aired in the UK, a man drinks a Pepsi to find courage to ask someone out. He passes up two women and expresses interest in a man.
Notice the time-honored technique of putting the scare quotes around the word bisexual. It's that stick-your-fingers-in-your-ears-and-say-la-la-I-can't-hear-you approach, as if that little punctuation trick is going to help them wake up from this long national LGBT-tolerating nightmare that they all think they're trapped in. Maybe I'll start referring to them as the ~American *Homophobe* Association~ and see if that makes me feel better.

But the way that we know that they're really serious about this boycott and it's really legit....yes, it's true. They've gone and taken it to Facebook. It's a good thing they haven't discovered Twitter yet, or they'd be unstoppable. According to the Facebook page, they've already raised $310 for their cause. (Of course the donations to this "cause" go to the AFA, presumably to offset the astronomical costs of setting up a basic three page website, starting a Facebook cause page, and putting out a sanctimonious press release.) And according to a recent PepsiCo news release, in 2008 the company grew their net revenue 10 percent to $43.3 billion. So clearly Pepsi is fucked, and they might as well just file Chapter 11 tomorrow. If you're a Pepsi person, start making the switch to Coke now, because it's all over for them.

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5 comments:

Rosemary said...

Here's the ad that shows a guy in a bar drinking a Pepsi to get up his nerve to introduce himself to another man. It's hardly a pro-gay ad since the guy's buddies look shocked and disgusted.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIG0kB9lOxo

tom luffman said...

Fuck Pepsi! Pabst Blue Ribbon!!!

Anonymous said...

How interesting! And I thought the Focus on the Family boycott of Ford Motor Company was stupid. You see what happened was Ford advertised in, of all things, Gay men's publications! Oh my gosh! Say it ain't so! The world as we know it is just going to fall apart. Cats and dogs will start living together and everything!

Get real and give me a break. Just how would Focus on the Family know this unless they had some "closet case" in their midst.

Some folks are gay, and some folks are straight, and some folks like to play on both sides of the street. That's just life. Grow up and get over it.

Jezebel said...

Thanks for the link, Rosemary. That's kind of an equal opportunity ad - something for everyone to roll their eyes at.

And Anonymous, it's a good point that these groups always seem to know all about what's going on in every gay magazine. Do they pay someone just to sit around reading the Advocate and watching Logo all day long?

Diana said...

Thanks a lot for your great articles....always makes me laugh! Although it's kinda sad how stupid people can be...