SLUT

Someone asked this question on a message board not too long ago and it stuck with me. So I thought I'd share it with you all and my response below it:

After overhearing a conversation at work between two very young girls I have one burning question....When did we become a society where it is more acceptable to considered be a "slut" than it is to be considered a "prude?"

I think it depends on how you actually define those words.

I don't define "prude" as someone who chooses to not have sex or who only has sex infrequently or who only has sex with one person or with someone they love or only after marriage or any of that. I define "prude" as someone who is uptight about sex, who thinks sex is dirty or naughty or taboo, who is overly concerned with what is "appropriate" or "normal", who doesn't have sex (or do anything else they might actually secretly want to do) because of what other people might think/say about them.

On the other hand, I define "slut" not just as someone who may or may not be "promiscuous" (whatever that is)... but as someone who is free, who is their own person, who realizes that sex can be pleasurable and fun and there's nothing wrong with wanting to have as much of it as possible, who makes choices not based on what other people have told them is "right" or based on what other people might think/say, but based on what they want... that includes sleeping with whomever they choose (even if that is many people, just one person, or no one at all) and as long as they're not hurting anyone there's nothing wrong with that.

The way most people use "slut" and "prude" (especially women against each other) I strongly disagree with... but in the terms I laid out above, I think with those definitions it IS better to be a slut than a prude. If only because being a "slut" implies more of an open minded attitude and being a "prude" implies being closed minded and judgmental (or on the other hand, fearful and self-loathing and resistant to their own desires). But again, I think a "slut" can be celibate or even a virgin... to me it's not about sex, it's about attitude.

To some people, the things we write on here or the way we behave or the fact that we proudly use the word "slut"might seem anti-feminist... but we believe that freedom to be who you are is one of the most important tenets of feminism. (We've already touched on this topic a bit before, while discussing a woman's right to choose and of course who can forget our guest blogger Adam's ode to sluts: Sluts Rock My World).

I like to think of it as an expression of choice. I will sleep with whomever I choose and as long as I'm not hurting anyone in the process, no one can make me feel bad about that. If that makes me a "slut" in someone else's eyes, that's fine because it stops being derogatory when I think of it in those terms. If being who I am and sleeping with who I want to, makes me a slut in your eyes, then fine. I'd rather be a slut in your eyes than a fraud in my own.

From The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities:

...a slut is a person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you.

Calling ourselves sluts (regardless of our actual level of "promiscuity") takes the power away from those who would use that word against us. Kind of like how the gay community has reclaimed "queer" and turned it around. (Similarly to what we've previously written about the word cunt) I do believe in the ability to refuel words with other intentions. Things are what you make them and I think by embracing the word "slut" in my own way, it gives it the power I want it to have. Basically, it's only offensive, if you choose to be offended by it.

One problem with our using this word, is that so many other people refuse to let go of it's derogatory origins. Another problem is that no one can decide on a clear-cut definition of what a "slut" is.

From Slut! Growing Up Female with a Bad Reputation:

Today there is no general consensus about what qualifies a girl as a "slut". Instead there are multiple, shifting distinctions between "good" and "slutty". In the 1950s, the bottom-line definition, everyone agreed, was a girl who had premarital intercourse (though, to be sure, there were subtle nuances to the categorization process). Today, when having intercourse with a steady boyfriend does not raise an eyebrow, the definition has broadened; it changes from community to community and from school to school. To some it's a girl who has intercourse with many different boys. To others it's a girl who "fools around" with different boys even without having intercourse. To some it's a girl who has intercourse with one boy too soon. To others it's a girl who "messes around" with one boy too soon. But who is to judge how many boys are "too many"? Or what it means to fool around with someone "too soon"? Everything is subjective and open to interpretation. In today's climate "slut" refers to any girl who appears open and carefree about her sexuality.

It's about choice. If being (or even just appearing) open and carefree about sexuality makes me a slut... then I'm a slut and I'm proud!

From Promiscuities: The Secret Struggle for Womanhood

...The fear of being out of control - in relation to food and money as well as sex - is characteristic of contemporary women. We understand loss of control to be inappropriate - and that it could turn a woman into a monster. We understand from books and movies that something terrible must happen to the slut. Where do we get our sense that our past must be immaculate, that our "promiscuity", our being in any way out of control, can lead us, if discovered, into symbolic or actual annihilation? It is neither natural nor inevitable that women's lust should be punished.

This split - "Feminist or Slut?" - has antecedents. Feminists of the past contributed to the debate about female desire, in two contradictory ways. Most Victorian feminists believed that the feminist was the archenemy of the slut in herself and the rescuer of the slut in the street. This, for instance, was anti prostitution activist Josephine Butler's crusade. The early feminists campaigned not for women to have more sexual expression, but for a single sexual standard in which men had less. Many feminists of the time opposed birth control on the grounds that it would make pure women even more vulnerable to male sexuality. Feminists with a more retiring view of female sexuality highlighted male sexual brutality, which was, realistically enough, associated with exhausting pregnancies, disease, forced prostitution, and debility.

But others, a minority, believed that the feminist must integrate the slut. Elizabeth Cady Stanton, referring to a Whitman poem wrote, "He speaks as if the female must be forced to the creative act, apparently ignorant of the fact that a healthy woman has as much passion as a man, that she needs nothing stronger than the law of attraction to draw her to the male."

A while ago, we asked some strong sexy women (and a few men) what their thoughts were on being "slutty", the meaning of the word, and when other people (particularly women against women) try to use the term in a bad way. The results were awesome so instead of leaving with our own thoughts, we thought we'd leave you with some of their wisdom:

Sex is on my mind a lot. Sex is something I think about a lot and something I WANT A LOT... and if I'm lucky, it's something I get a lot as well. So I guess I'm a "slut" but I don't have a problem with that.

Things that I love:

1. Women who own their sexuality and love themselves.
2. Women who make their own choices without worrying about what society thinks or what labels ignorant people might slap on them.
3. Women who stand up for themselves.
4. Women who stand up for other women.
5. Women who are true bad girls in every sense of the term.

Things that I don't love:

1. People who judge.
2. Women who call other women sluts.
3. People who try to encourage women to shut up about things that are totally okay to talk about, especially with friends.
4. People who assume that if your morality differs from theirs, you must not have morals at all.
5. People who believe that women all have to conform to the same mold when it comes to sexuality.



My parents raised me to be very very lady like, respectful of myself and my body, blah blah blah. Although my mom completely understood when she found out my ex boyfriend were sexually active, we were in a committed relationship, but her feelings about sexual activity outside of one were very apparent. That guy and I aren't together anymore, hence my term "ex", so I am not getting that much action.

My point being this: Because of the way my mother constantly reiterated those values, which I respect, no matter who I'm with or what I'm doing with him, she is sitting on my shoulder telling me "Wait! He won't respect you! Blah blah blah!" I hate it. The thing is, I respect others for being comfortable doing what makes you feel good! I'm 20 and am still having a hard time getting past the things my mother believes, and acting on what I believe is appropriate and good for me.

Trying not to sound cheesy, but you do inspire others. You can't make everyone else agree with you or make them happy, but you sure as hell can make yourself happy. Only you can decide whether you're slutty or not. It's how you feel about yourself, not what others feel.

I am not going to judge someone who lives her life to the fullest and has fun. I believe that makes you 100% sexy.

I feel this way about it, you have a life, just because you are an open minded person, and these other people that feel it is their important job to condemn you for your life and choices..... it is obvious to me, they are either on such a straight and narrow life style, they could actually be nuns or they are wishing they could have a life like you have.

I am not in the same age group as many of you. However, I can still relate. I have daughters that enjoyed an active sexual life. I really was not pleased about it, as they did not have protected sex, thus families were started before partners were ready or possibly the intention was there, and I had not been informed. I know I did not always share with my parents all of my actions either.

I have thought a lot about what being a slut means. Sluttiness is a personality trait; it has nothing to do with how many people one has slept with. It has everything to do with how you present yourself. You present yourself as a confident, intelligent, secure woman who is not afraid to speak her mind and get what she wants...

Why are women taught that sexuality is shameful? Sex is a verb; it does not reflect the whole person. To quote from the play, Shadow of a Man by Cherrie Moraga: Leticia says she gave away her virginity because "I wanted it to be worthless. Not for me to be worthless, but to know that my worth had nothing to do with it."

I think if more women had that attitude, there would be much less cattiness in the world. Sex is great thing; it should be celebrated, not hidden.

Society has taught us to continuously be at odds with our fellow females, because if we unite then we become too powerful and men would run away from us crying. Therefore, we are conditioned to get jealous of other women who are stronger, smarter, sexier, or more successful than we are. However, it takes a truly strong woman to embrace her sexuality and feel comfortable with it. Our foremothers did too much work for us to not take advantage of our opportunities.



I just had a convo about slut vs. whore with my 'friend'. His take: whores get paid, sluts love to have sex. His opinion: I'm his dirty slut.

Words like slut are weird. If you have a certain dynamic with your friends, you can call each other whatever you want. My friends and I go back and forth tossing "insults" at each other every time we talk... slut, whore, bitch, dickface, etc. And like I said, the other day my 'friend' called me his dirty slut, and I'm fine with that.

However, if I'm out and I don't know you and you say something like that to me, things will not end well for you. There's really no need for women to call other women these names, but 90% of women are guilty of it.



I don't feel this great sisterhood with women that says we shouldn't call each other sluts or bitches. There are women that I would say fit into the negative meaning of both slut and bitch.

Like someone else said it is one of those words that people take ownership of and use in jest. I prefer the use of the word 'whore' for this because I just like the sound of it better.

To me the negative use of slut isn't someone that enjoys sex and seeks it out. A slut is someone that seeks out sex and doesn't care who she hurts in the process to get what she wants...even if she is the one she is hurting. A slut has no respect for herself or others.

It is all in the way it is said.



Personally, my offense with the word "slut" comes from people who use it to intentionally hurt me. It's in the way THEY mean "slut" that the offense arises, because although I feel there's no shame in being a slut or acting slutty, a lot of people aren't as open-minded about it, and they think a woman shouldn't enjoy sex or seek it out. I also haven't developed a thick enough skin to shrug off the comments. But I love the word "slut" and I love it for what it means to me: a human who isn't ashamed of sex, loves sex, and seeks out sex, intelligently and empathetically, without shame and without worry for others' opinions.



I'm not quite sure how I feel about when other people use the word, because I don't think it's cut and dry insult or non-insult. There are a lot of degrees in between, and not necessarily something the person using the word is consciously thinking about. I think it's always a matter of context, and by using it less as an insult, it is slowly making it's way into a word to be proud of.