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November 28, 2006

boy meets girl, dates girl, goes back to ex

Is this bad dating karma or good dating karma?

A while back I went on a date with a guy. (Shocking, I know).



I had met him on a Saturday.

He called me on Sunday.

And Monday.

And Tuesday.

We had a dinner date on Wednesday.

He called me on Thursday and asked me to hang out that weekend.

We went out for his birthday on Friday. I met his parents and almost every single one of his friends.

He sent me a text message on Saturday to say what a good time he had.

Sunday he called me to tell me that he was getting back together with his ex-girlfriend.

My reaction: Laughter. I wasn't even upset.

He thanked me for being so "cool" about it. I hardly knew the guy, how could I be mad about that? If I was the catalyst that brought him back to the girl he's meant to be with, then good for him. (When she heard he was out with me, she got really jealous and realized what she was losing... or some shit like that).

I have to believe that things like this happen to me for a reason and that someday I will be rewarded for all the people I've brought together.

I'm waiting.........

November 24, 2006

The Home-From-College Crowd

This is the group of people that you see out at the bar over Thanksgiving weekend making a little too big of a deal out of how much fun they're having. They're doing this because it's their first time out at a bar with their high school friends, since they all went off to college and got really good fake IDs. They can also be found being very loud and obnoxious riding any form of public transportation.

Even though we all used to be them at some point, this is all forgotten after receiving a college degree (with tolerance decreasing exponentially every year post graduation).

Common signs are repeated use of the terms "oh my gaaaawd" and "I'm soooo wasted."

See also: The girl puking on the floor of Penn Station at 3 AM on Thanksgiving Eve, who looks like she snuck out of the house when the babysitter wasn't looking.

Bonus points: The girl puking on the floor of Penn Station at 10pm on Thanksgiving Eve.

November 20, 2006

totally not smooth

Dumb Things Guys Say #2



I found myself caught in of a crowd of moving people in a bar and some guy comes up to me.

Guy: If you're going to stand in the middle like that, you're going to get stuck in the traffic.

Lilith: We just got here.

Guy: No you didn't. You've been here at least an hour now.

Lilith: I meant this spot, not the bar... but hey... so basically you've been checking me out for an hour now, huh?

Guy: Oh shit. I just totally blew any shot at being smooth didn't I?

Lilith: Yes. Yes you did.

November 16, 2006

the bald and the beautiful

Last night at the bar, I ran into a guy I went to high school with.

Did you have sex with him?

Um, yeah.

Last night?

No, another time.

When?

Okay, so not the issue.

Since when is you being a whore not an issue?

I saw him last night and I didn’t recognize him.

Was he scarred in a terrible accident?

No. Worse.

Did he have a sex-change operation?

No. Worse than that! He was bald. And fat. And old.

Isn't he the same age as you?

Yes, but he looked older than me all of a sudden. He looked old enough to be my dad. He seriously aged at least ten years since I last saw him.

Ten years ago?

No, it was like three years ago.

When you had sex with him.

Um... yeah. But that's not the point.

Since when is...?

The point is that he was old! All the guys my age are… old.


Because you’re old.

I’m not old!

You’re older than me.

Yes, but I look young for my age!

Like that guy at the bar last week said… you look good for your age.

I still don’t understand that one. Don’t most women my age still look good? It’s not like I’m going around with a walker and orthopedic shoes.

And it’s not like you have gray hair…

Well, I pull the gray ones out.

Oh.

It’s more of an aesthetic thing than an age thing.

Suuure.

But my point is… all the guys my age are… old.

Because you’re…

Don’t.

Okay so they’re old.

I’ve hit that age where I don’t find any guys attractive.

Moving on to the ladies?

No. I mean that I don’t find any guys in my appropriate age range attractive.

Your appropriate age range?

One year younger than me to ten years older than me.

And none of them are attractive?

There are guys who are cute but way too young looking for me to be actually attracted to them. And then there are the guys who all of a sudden look really... old.

Because they're old.

But I don't look old, why do they!? I’m not trying to date someone who is actually the age that I look.

Because that would be illegal.

Yes.

And also gross.

Yes. But I don’t want to date someone who looks like my grandpa either.

Because that would be legal, but extra gross.

Where are all the normal guys my age who look… my age?


They’re with their girlfriends.

Very good point.

Or their boyfriends.

True. But there have to be some single straight guys left...

...who are old, but not old.

I feel like my tastes aren't aging with the rest of me. Why can’t I be like you and be attracted to old guys?

I’m not attracted to old guys. There was one older guy.

He was bald.

Yeah but at least he was able to go again in the morning… which is more than you can say for yours and he wasn't even as old.

Yes, but he has more hair.

But you can’t discount the importance of morning sex.

Oh I know. Believe me I do. But see, it's not that he wasn't able to go again in the morning… his problem was that he was just too lazy to wake up before 2pm. Besides, wasn’t your guy on speed or something?

Ephedra.

Isn’t that sort of… speedy?

Yes.

Thought so.

That’s another thing about the older guys… they’re just as immature as the young guys.

I know, aren't guys supposed to hit that age where they realize they're too old to still be taking drugs and staying up all-night and sleeping with young girls?

This one time we were at a bar and there was this skanky girl dancing. He said “if I keep watching her I won’t be able to get it up later” and all I’m thinking is “yeah it would be her fault, not because you haven’t slept in thirty hours and you’re taking drugs and you’re drinking…”

…and old.

And old. He was good in bed though, I have to admit.

Mine was too. You know... we really need to stop finding guys in pairs.

But it's so much more convenient.

Only... not. Hey, remember that older guy I dated that one time…

Which one?

The one who when he lost his virginity, I was three!

Ew. Too much information.

Anyway, he told me I was the oldest girl he’d ever dated! He was used to dating twenty-one year olds!!

That’s weird.

And creepy. I mean, what was he doing when he was twenty five? Dating teenagers?

Well, a twenty-one year old would still be younger than him when he was twenty-five.

Oh, right. So it’s not just that he dates younger women. He picked an age range and stuck with it.

That’s going to get progressively harder as he gets even older.

I wonder what he’s doing now.

He’s probably dating a toddler.

Oh, remember the single dad with a toddler?

The really tall guy?

Yeah. He was so immature.

Wasn’t he the one who refused to eat vegetables?

Yes. He refused to eat vegetables on principle. Even if he couldn’t taste them, if he knew they were there he wouldn’t eat them.

How do you refuse to eat vegetables as an adult? That’s just sad.

I’m sure he was an excellent role model for his kid. I remember he wouldn’t even try the gnocchi at dinner because it was made with potato and he decided that potatoes were vegetables. I’m still not 100% sure that they are, but I guess they are. Is a potato a vegetable?

I think so.

I thought it was a carbohydrate.

It’s both.

I feel like French fries now.

Me too.

Let’s go to McDonalds!

I’m too lazy.

McDonald’s should deliver.

I would pay for that.

Think of the slogans: “Got the munchies!? Too drunk to drive? Call Mickey Ds!”

Man, now I really want French fries.

Is ketchup a vegetable?

Well it’s made with tomatoes and tomatoes are fruit technically.

But didn’t the FDA decide that even though a tomato is biologically a fruit, that it was a vegetable?

How can the FDA just decide that? If it’s not a vegetable, it’s not a vegetable. You can’t vote on it and change science.

I think that based on its nutritional value or whatever they decided it could count towards the daily allowances of vegetables on the food pyramid.

Good thing they did, because everyone follows the food pyramid.

What exactly makes something a fruit anyway?

I think… it’s if it has seeds… then it’s a fruit.

Oh right! But then wouldn’t cucumbers and peppers be fruit also?

Yeah I guess so.

Why are we talking about fruit?

We were talking about old men…

Well some of them were kinda fruity too.

Like that
gay guy you dated...

Actually, he was my age.

Oh. I guess it's always something.



November 15, 2006

two appletinis please!

So I went on a date with a guy who may or may not be gay.

Now I’m not trying to be a bigot or offensive or anything when I say that he may have been gay. I understand that not all gay men are the same and that the stereotypes aren’t always true and that straight men can get manicures and facials and... whatever, this guy was really gay.

I’m not flat out saying that he was literally gay, but he was effeminate and a tad flamboyant. He was one of those guys who says things like “oh my gaaaawd, I don’t know why gay guys are always hitting on meeee!” Am I really supposed to believe he doesn’t know why? I know why. The bartender knows why. The couple at the other end of the bar knows why. Is he really the only one who doesn’t get it?

The sad thing was that he wasn't even gay in a hot threesome kind of way. He was gay in more of a "let's go shopping!" kind of of way, only without the actual fun of going shopping.

November 13, 2006

Those pants are SLICK

Dumb Things Guys Say #1



Once upon a time, on a train... a dumb guy said a dumb thing. He complimented Lilith on her slick pants.

Guy:
Those are some slick pants.

Lilith: Slick pants? My pants are slick? Is that a pickup line?

Guy: No, it's not a line.

Lilith: Good. Because that's a really shitty line. Hey... slick pants.

Guy: Don't worry I'm not hitting on you... I have a girlfriend.

Jezebel: Is she your GIRLFRIEND or your SORT OF girlfriend?

Guy: She's my girlfriend, we've been together for 2 years, we're in love.

Jezebel: How would she feel if she knew you were complimenting strange women on their slick pants?

Guy: You want to ask her?

Lilith: Yes I do.

Guy: (hands Lilith his cell phone) Here, this is her number, her name's Chloe. Just press 'Send'.

Lilith: (getting voicemail) Hello Chloe. This is Lilith. Your boyfriend thinks my pants are really slick. But don't worry, he's not hitting on me. He wouldn't do that. He just thinks the pants are slick. Have a nice day. Bye!

The Guy walks back to his friends and then we notice them looking at us.

Lilith: What do you all think my pants are SLICK? These are some slick fucking pants!

His Friend walks over.

Lilith: What do you think my pants are slick too?

Friend: I guess so.

Lilith: I don't know. I'm upset. They're all so concerned about the pants. No one has complimented me on my rack.

Friend: Well you have an excellent rack.

Lilith: Yes, I think I do.

Then the Friend stared at Lilith's rack for a minute and walked back to his friends.

We see the Guy talking on his cell phone and then the Friend comes back over.

Friend: Hey, what did you guys say to my friend he's really upset?

Lilith: Huh?

Friend: (gesturing to the Guy) His girlfriend called him all pissed off... did you really call her?

Lilith: Yeah.

Friend: Why'd you do that?

Jezebel: He told her to.

Friend: What'd you say to her?

Lilith: I told her that he thinks my pants are slick.

Friend: Why'd you do that?

Jezebel: Because he told her to.

Lilith: He handed me the phone and said "just press send". Now he's going to be all upset that I actually did it?

Jezebel: So I guess now we do know how she feels about her boyfriend complimenting strange women on their slick pants.

Friend: Well do you want to apologize to him?

Lilith: No.

Jezebel: Does he want to apologize to us?

Lilith: (to Jezebel) You're the nice one... you apologize.

Jezebel: I'm the nice one?

The Friend goes back to the Guy and sends him over to us.

Jezebel: I'm very sorry that you thought her pants were slick.


But for the record, those really were some slick pants. (And her rack is quite excellent).

November 11, 2006

Welcome to Evil Slutopia

Friend: So what's it about?

Jezebel: Different things... bars, dating, sex...

Friend: Kind of like a cross between Chicken Soup for the Soul and the Vagina Monologues?

Jezebel: Actually, no. It's more like...

Friend: You should call it "Chicken Soup for the Vagina".

Jezebel: Um, no.