Who Wants A Man Wall?

Awhile ago I wrote about how Cosmo apparently thinks that women only watch sports to make their boyfriends happy, and never because they actually enjoy sports themselves. Apparently, the creators of a new entertainment center for sports fans agree with the Cosmo editors. Behold the Man Wall:

Yes, this thing is actually called a Man Wall. It was developed by a company called Hybrid Space Furniture, and it's got multiple flat-screen HDTVs, a DVD player, ipod deck, microwave, wine rack, sports ticker, built-in beer refrigerator with tap, surround sound, and not one but two cigar humidors. You know, all of the essentials...if you're a man. No girls allowed! We have to stay in the other room and watch Oprah or Sex And The City while the men plan out their NFL Sunday Ticket schedule at the most holy manly Man Wall.

Here are some of the fun phrases that Hybrid Space Furniture uses to sell the Man Wall on their site and in the official press release:

The world’s first Man Wall is the Taj Mahal of man necessities. [Yes, the similarities between this entertainment sports beer cigar insanity thing and the Taj Majal are just endless.]

A Bradenton, Florida company is rolling out the world’s first “Man Wall” and it’s the ultimate big boy toy.

The innovation is the brainchild of two designers who saw a gap in the rising popularity of “Man Rooms.” [There's a gap in the popularity?]

HybridSpace, LLC, the company that manufacturers the unit came up with the idea after realizing that there is nothing on the market for the consumer who wants instant gratification. Currently, you either spend weeks building your own Man Room or pay somebody else to do it for you. Either way, you will be inconvenienced for several weeks while the room is under construction. This is for the guy who doesn’t have the time to build his own man room or simply wants one of the coolest gadgets on the planet. [I can't tell you how many men I know who have this problem.]

“Besides looking like something you would see on MTV Cribs, the Man Wall is extremely practical in that it will fit in almost any size room,” Caruso said. [When I tell you how much this thing costs, the phrase "extremely practical" will be the last one to ever come to mind.]

The amazingly awesomely super cool Man Wall can be yours for the very reasonable price of $14,900, plus the cost of shipping. (And I used to think the NFL Sunday Ticket price tag was a problem, but that's a bargain by comparison. But if anyone wants to contribute to the ESC NFL Sunday Ticket Fund, we're totally cool with that. Well, actually only I'm cool with it, the rest of the ESC couldn't care less about football. You know, cause some women like sports and some women don't, just like some men like sports and some men don't, and why the hell is this still such a hard concept to grasp in 2009?! Okay, I digress, time to close parentheses and get back to making fun of the Man Wall.) In this economy, who doesn't have that kind of extra money laying around, right?

I first read about the Man Wall on Fanhouse.com. (Despite what the Cosmo editors might imagine, I didn't experience some sort of estrogen surge that caused me to close the tab and switch to a pink girly site instead.) Blogger Matt Snyder had some reservations:

After initially taking this all in and thinking about how great it would be, I can't help but wonder how difficult it would be to tailor something your own for much cheaper. They do say on the website they are willing to customize anything you wish, but still, aren't we getting a bit lazy?

As a personal example, I love the keg and tap thing, but I could just as easily settle for walking 25 feet to my fridge for a bottle of suds. I don't smoke cigars. I don't drink wine. While it looks really cool, I'm not sure the score ticker is incredibly necessary, especially since I'd have my computer sitting there with my live fantasy football scores -- which also shows the scores of the real games as well. You could also be watching March Madness on this bad boy, but there are only four games maximum being played at the same time. And I already have a microwave right next to the refrigerator.

So, what if I just grabbed the four TVs, the iPod docking station, a home theater surround sound system and a DVD player? Couldn't I save a ton of money even after purchasing the NFL Sunday Ticket, MLB Extra Innings and NCAA March Madness packages (my own personal choices)? And each of us would have different features we'd like to keep. Some guys might definitely need the humidors but think the DVD player and iPod are unnecessary.

We can't believe he's suggesting that some of these features might not be 100% essential. And to even go farther and say that he's fine with getting up and walking to his kitchen to get food and beer? And that not doing so might be lazy? Clearly this is crazy talk. But for all of his criticisms of the Man Wall, Snyder doesn't include the fact that it's called a Man Wall and embraces pretty much every single stereotype of men and sports fans that exists.

Oh, I almost forgot. You can get your Man Wall customized, and they'll even paint it in your favorite team's colors. (Classy!) We've decided to start saving up for a red and purple ESC Wall so that we can drink beer and watch football, Vh1 Celebreality, Secret Life of the American Teenager, and Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D List all at the same time.

More Creative Censorship from the One Million Moms

The One Million Moms have taken a short break from their crusade against The Secret Life of the American Teenager to protest some new ads from Carl's Jr./Hardee's. Here's the action alert (emphasis mine):

Hardee's and Carl's Jr. (CKE Restaurants) will never learn. They are back at it again with several more disgusting ads.

Though this time Hardees ad isn't visually explicit, the words and innuendo are loaded with s-xual nuance. It features their new "Biscuit holes." In the ad, various customers individually name them using such verbiage as B holes, A holes, dingle balls, and biscatles (as in testicles).

Sister company, Carl's Jr., has just launched its newest in a series of raunchy s-x-laden ads.

In review:

(1) Hardee's is a hamburger business catering to family yet they
consistently have used s-x to try to sell its product.

(2) In 2003, Hardee's (Carl's Jr.) featured Hugh Hefner as a poster celebrity.

(3) Hardee's also used an er-tic ad featuring a mechanical bull and a scantily clad female.

(4) In 2005, Hardee's used a pornographic ad featuring Paris Hilton exerting sleazy movements to market hamburgers at their "family" restaurants.

TAKE ACTION: Send an email to CKE President Andrew Puzder. We encourage to edit the letter provided and tell him, in your own words, what you think of his company's advertisements. Take an additional step by contacting your local store manager or owner, asking them to use their influence to stop the offensive ads.

We don't have much to say about the actual protest this time - we don't get Hardee's commercials here so we don't really see them enough to get super annoyed by them, although they do seem pretty stupid. (Also, we do have to applaud Hardee's for managing that special flavor of offensive that pisses off conservative women and feminists.) We're too busy laughing at how out of control OMM's word censorship is getting.

Just like before, the One Million Moms refuse to use the word sex, so they say s-x instead. So now I feel dirty even typing it. Sex. Sex sex sex. Sex! Okay, sorry. Anyway, the 'no sex' rule creates some true spelling comedy when they decide to use variations of the word, like "s-xual" (which looks like the name of some kind of robot) and "s-x-laden" (which is just hyphen overload and makes me think they might as well have written "s-x-l-d-n" and turned it into a fun 'guess the naughty word!' game). Keep in mind that they're doing this in email alerts written by adults for adults, and more specifically, written by moms for moms. So, leaving aside a very small percentage of celibate adoptive parents and immaculate conceptions, we're talking about women who have all had sex but apparently can't deal with seeing the word on their computer screen.

Since they can't even type out the word "sex", it's no surprise that they're horrible at trying to describe anything that's supposed to be sexy. The result is great stuff like when they explain that the commercial Paris Hilton did for Carl's Jr. is offensive because it features Paris "exerting sleazy movements". Who talks like that? Oh, right, people who write "s-x" instead of sex, that's who.

But my absolute favorite part of this has to be the reference to a recent "er-tic ad" from Hardee's. For a second I was confused and thought that maybe Hardee's had produced some sort of ablist commercial making fun of someone with a rare facial tic disorder. I quickly realized that it was just the One Million Moms being ridiculous and refusing to type the word erotic. Really, OMM? Not only is this stupid, it's also totally arbitrary. They'll say "raunchy", "testicles", "scantily clad", "pornographic", and "sleazy", but they won't say "sex" or "erotic"? I'm sure there's some very sound logic behind that. And speaking of arbitrary, why not e-otic or ero-ic or -rotic or erot-c? This is all so complicated.

Wait a second. I just noticed that in their old action alert on The Cougar, it was "s*x", and now it's "s-x". I wonder if that's some sort of secret conservative mom code or alert system or something, like maybe the middle symbol lets you know how offensive it is. If we start seeing references to s~x or s#x or s^x, we'll know we're really in trouble.

Psychologists with a Conscience?

I'm so happy that my brother is an unemployed recent college grad right now, because it means he has lots of free time to write guest blogs. I'm also happy that his degree happens to be in psychology, so he can comment better than me on why this story is so screwed up. There's been a lot of talk about so-called "conscience" rules for doctors, pharmacists, and other health care workers that would allow them to refuse to do things like dispense birth control or provide abortion services or referrals if they decide that those things violate their morals or religious beliefs. Well, one group in Nebraska is trying to extend that idea to psychologists as well, and I'll let Astaroth take it from there.


Given the flippant nature of my previous contribution, I figured that this one should take a somewhat more serious tone by addressing an issue that I feel capable of commenting on. In this case I’ll be discussing a recent licensing rules hearing at the Nebraska Psychology Association prompted by the Nebraska Catholic Conference's proposed rule that would allow Psychologists to refuse to treat *and* refer patients based on “religious or moral convictions.” I intend to start this article on a somber, serious note, so here goes...

SUCK IT NEBRASKA CATHOLIC CONFERENCE!

Phew, glad that’s over! Essentially what’s going on here is the Catholic Conference wants to give therapists the right to violate the core ethical codes regarding the establishment of a therapist/patient relationship. Considering that empathy between therapist and patient has consistently proven to be the number one indicator of success in therapy, this resolution just sounds dandy doesn’t it? Let’s run through a test scenario if this new plan is implemented…

Therapist: Well, what issues do you feel would need to be addressed over the course of therapy?

Patient: There’s a few that really impact my life. My relationship with my parents has always been strained, I’ve been in abusive romantic situations before, and I think a lot of it is tied up with my sexuality since I’m gay, so-…

Therapist: I’m sorry, did you say gay? As in homosexual?

Patient: Well yes, that’s a big part-…

Therapist: I’m afraid that your issues conflict with my religious beliefs, so we won’t be able to work together.

Patient: I…I’m sorry to hear that. Could you refer me to-…

Therapist: No, by law I am not required to do that either. Have a nice day.

Sound kinda sucky? A bit harsh? Perhaps cruel and unusually idiotic? That’s because it is. As a therapist, it is absolutely vital that you discuss with any new patient what issues they need to address in therapy and then decide for yourself whether or not you are comfortable with those issues. The therapist needs to be open with the client, and if he or she will feel conflicted (instead of challenged) then that needs to be addressed right away, before a contract is signed and certainly before a relationship can be formed. If there is some glaring issue that simply can’t be worked through, then ethically it is the duty of that therapist to refer the patient to someone who will better meet his or her needs. To ignore that duty due to “religious or moral convictions” is to commit, to borrow from Catholic lingo, a mortal sin of therapy, to place the therapist above the patient. It’s a RELATIONSHIP, you douchebags!

Now, traditionally Catholic Priests have served their community by acting as counselors on all sorts of issues, but counseling is very different from therapy. There’s a reason why you can get a counseling job with a GED and you need a Masters or Doctorate to be a therapist. And priests are traditionally expected to discuss issues of “religious and moral conviction,” but the fact that they have a traditional role doesn’t make them specialists, nor does it make them qualified to tell therapists how to do their jobs.

Also, how the fuck is refusing to help people in any way ethical or Christian? Therapists may not take the Hippocratic Oath, but they have standards and regulations to live by and any violation of them can potentially get your license revoked. You know, since it's only people's sanity at stake. And while I’m certainly not the most religious guy in the world, after 14 years of Catholic schooling I can say with a fair degree of authority that in this case Jesus would have done everything he could to help that person, and breaking out a goddamn Rolodex to see which of the apostles would be willing to spare some time every week would’ve been his worst case scenario! Religion pisses me off sometimes.

Anyway, it sounds like most Psychologists in Nebraska think this whole thing is bullshit, so I’m really hoping it goes down in flames. As in the flames of HELL, MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry, couldn’t help m’self. But seriously, Psychologists have enough to worry about with their ethics, don’t give the few self-absorbed crap therapists a way to cop out and give them all a bad name.

Whine and Cheese?

It's no surprise that the Evil Slut Clique aren't exactly the classiest group of women out there. We're beer drinkers through and through - everyone knows of our long lasting friendship with Corona, plus the occasional shot of tequila here and there - but the more we branch out and meet different groups of people, the more we realize we should broaden our tastes a bit.

We were thinking of having a few of our new friends over for something fancy schmancy, like a dinner party or a wine-and-cheese (which would require knowing anything about wine and/or cheese, which we don't).

I don't think this counts:

Now since we're typically the pizza-and-beer type, of course we have no clue about how to pair wine with... anything... other than... more wine. According to this site on wine pairing mild and creamy cheeses go best with a simple, non-overpowering wine like Pinot Grigio or white Bordeaux while bolder cheeses pair better with bolder wines (like say, an aged Parmigiano Reggiano with an Amarone wine). Unfortunately it doesn't say anything about what goes best with Cheetos.

When it comes to dessert pairing we're just as clueless. We're used to eating beer and cake. (No really, it's actually good once you get used to it, no joke). According to the site, the sweeter the wine the better it tastes with sweet foods like fruit or dessert. Apparently a Tawny Port would go best with our favorite Snickers Pie. What a way to class up our dessert.

Since our knowledge of fine wines is pretty much restricted to the high-quality Boone's Farm that we used to drink in high school and the free glasses of cheap white zinfindale the clubs give out on Ladies Night... we have no idea how to pick out a good bottle of any kind of wine. Thank God for the Internet... we can always search through various wine grades and wine reviews and shopping guides until we find the bottle that's right for us (and in our price range - since we're still totally broke).

We may never be true wine connoisseurs, but at least we can keep from embarrassing ourselves too badly at the next wine tasting or party. And maybe we'll actually be able to learn to pick out some decent wine... that doesn't have the word "cooler" at the end of it.

Remember to Always Drink Responsibly and Don't Drink and Drive!

Hilariously Inappropriate Infomercials

I was watching television the other day (shocker) and I came across two commercials that were um... a little inappropriate for daytime TV: the Neckline Slimmer and Easy Curves.

My original dislike for these products was due to the fact that both are focused on "improving" female beauty based on society's stereotypical and unrealistic ideals. The neckline slimmer, obviously, is designed to slim one's neckline... claiming that it can "reverse the effects of ageing without plastic surgery". Easy Curves is all about making your boobs bigger. We must... we must... we must increase our bust...

But the real hilarity is in the actual use of these products. The Neckline slimmer looks like it's a blowjob trainer... and Easy Curves is all about the dual-handjob. See for yourself...

I'm totally going to get both of those... not to increase my bust or decrease my neckline... but just for practice. But don't even get me started on the Comfort Wipe (I don't do anal-play).

Smart Things God Says

For some mysterious reason, Joe The Plumber is still giving interviews. For some far far far more mysterious reason, there are actually people out there who think that it would be a good idea for Mr. ThePlumber to run for office someday soon. JtP was asked about that recently by WorldNetDaily.

Asked if he has plans to run for public office, he replied, “I hope not. You know, I talked to God about that and he was like, ‘No.’” [via ThinkProgress]

I think everyone should stop and take a moment to thank the deity of their choice for providing Joe with such a clear answer to this question. If you're an atheist, just thank the voices in Joe's head. Also, I really love the way he phrased his answer. Not 'well, I prayed about it and I don't think it's the path that I'm supposed to be on' or even 'I don't think that's in God's plan for me right now'. No, he just had a little chat with God, and he was like 'yo God, do you think I should like, run for Congress or something?' and God was like 'no dude, don't do that right now'. Joe is so wise.

Debbie Debt Update

So, it's officially time for our monthly freakout about our little big Debbie Debt. It's always a bad combination when we're working on our business plans and our travel plans at the same time. (Although our business plan is actually coming along pretty nicely after all of the great stuff that we learned at the IWWG conference, but as always, if you are independently wealthy and you love us and you want to take on our little debt relief project personally, we'd be okay with that.)

We were looking at one site that has info on debt relief and money saving tips and stuff like that, and we were immediately sold by the "Ask Bill" feature. Bill is a financial expert who really knows his stuff. Bill is available to take questions and give out helpful financial advice. Bill will help you educate yourself and take control of your money problems. Bill is there for you. And Bill, of course, is a cartoon dollar bill with little arms and legs. Who could possibly be better? (The ESC can report from personal experience that real human guys named Bill are not necessarily always quite so reliable.)

We're not sure how Bill would react if we asked him about the ESC's specific financial problems - or even better, can you imagine us actually meeting in person with a credit counselor to discuss the Evil Slutopia empire? So instead we're reading all of the debt relief articles - like stuff on consolidation and credit counseling - as if we're an old married couple with kids in college and three mortgages. Cause we have issues. There's a lot of good info, especially if you actually are a person with mortgages and major debt and not just a bunch of paranoid bloggers. But we had to laugh at one article called "Debt Boot Camp", cause we are definitely not disciplined enough for that. We'll stick with the love and support of Bill for now.